Tuesday, May 10, 2011

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

Anybody who has seen some of the original James Bond films will likely remember a classic scene from Goldfinger. The one where Bond is about to be sliced in half from the crotch up by a giant laser. Well, I don't have one of those lasers. It would be cool, but I just don't have one. Curse you, practicality!


"Oh bollocks, my John Thomas is about to be turned into spotted dick."

What I do have is a pair of lovely Fresnel lenses that I got off eBay for cheap. Just came in the mail a few days ago. I used to have one of these types of lenses, and I was quickly reminded of how fun they can be once I brought them outside.

What is a Fresnel lens? It's basically a giant magnifying lens, only instead of a giant, clunky single-piece lens made of glass or plastic, it is a series of concentric magnifying rings that focus light on a single spot about a foot away from the lens itself. The lack of a thick structure means the lens is very lightweight, even flexible, and can be easily carried around by anyone needing to magnify something. They are also very good at concentrating light. Almost too good.

I discovered long ago, like many other American children, that burning shit with a magnifying lens can provide hours of pyromaniac entertainment, in lieu of doing productive things like homework or not lighting shit on fire with a magnifying lens. While I have (mostly) parted ways with my once-insatiable urges to set everything ablaze for my own amusement, the lure of using the Power of Science® to light things up proved too great to dispel with things like "common sense" or "self-preservation instincts."

So I present to you a few videos of me on a particularly bright day, Fresnel-lensing the crap out of various outdoor objects.

First up: a pine-bark nugget!


Next: HOLY SHIT WE GOT US SOME DIRT UP IN THIS BITCH. Watch the end to see it glow red!


If you want to replicate these utterly exciting, cataract-inducing experiments for yourself, just hit up eBay. There are boatloads of these things being sold by people for purposes like helping old people see text better, solar heating of water, and burning the fuck out of things with science. Go buy one! Unless you live in some rain-sodden hellhole like merrie olde England or Seattle. In that case you should first move to sunnier climes, then buy one. Have fun blinding yourself, and remember kids, NO means NO (unless it's opposite day).