After months of searching through the hills and valleys of its native habitat, the Libyan National Transitional Council announced today that they have finally killed the Sasquatch known by most people as "Bigfoot". National media outlets showed a picture today of a bloodied bigfoot, slain after a fierce hand-to-hand fight with Mann Co.'s own Saxton Hale, who was hired by the LNTC to take the beast down.
Said Hale of the encounter:
"Well, the beastie put up a good show. Took me almost 5 minutes to bring him down once I found the bugger hiding inside a transvestite strip joint. Looked like he was rubbin' one out inside a broom closet from all the gruntin' and fappin' noises I heard as we were sneakin' up on 'im. Ol' Biggie took off running once he got wind of me, but he didn't get too far before I took out me crossbow and shot 'im in the leg.
After that all I had to do was run 'im down and pummel him into a heap. Ripped off Biggie's arrow-shot leg and beat him over the head with it, I did. Bugger managed to claw out a good chunk o' me left arm, but I shrugged it off and pulled out one of his eyeballs. Sassy got pretty bloomin' angry after that, spinning 'round like some kinda hairy ballerina until I punched a hole in his chest and ripped out his spleen.
Big fella didn't stand up for more than a few seconds after that before collapsin' in a heap. After the fight I took out me ceremonial goblet and drank some of me vanquished foe's blood. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to resurrect a mammoth through DNA cloning and then beat it to death with me bare hands."
Hale then jumped out of his chair and dived out the 8th story window of the building where this interview was taking place, landed on top of a busload of elderly tourists, and ran off in a bee-line through the facades of several office buildings before we lost sight of him.
Saxton Hale. CEO of Mann Co. Australian. Badass.
The LNTC issued a statement today on the death of one of the world's most elusive beasts: "Today is a great day for the people of this proud land. The menace that has stalked our streets and caused us to fear for our very lives has been vanquished. No more do we have to look over our shoulders at night as we are taking out our garbage. No more do we have to worry about our supply of delicious Jack Link's beef jerky going missing. Ladies and Gentlemen, Bigfoot is dead."
Celebratory gunfire was heard in the streets of Tripoli. "He's dead! That hairy bastard is finally gone! Where's my AK-47?" said one resident as she rushed into her kitchen and grabbed her assault rifle, firing an entire clip into her living room ceiling while chanting and dancing with her children.
No doubt the people of Libya, and indeed the people of all North Africa, will finally be able to sleep soundly tonight.
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