Pangolin Food Review: Taco Bell's Doritos Locos Taco

Yesterday, I cracked.

I ended my long Taco Bell hiatus because I had succumbed to the siren song of it's newest terrifying creation: the Doritos Locos taco. This unholy marriage of the least healthy fast food with the least healthy snack food had crazy written all over it, much like the marriages of many famous American celebrities, but without the pre-nups and paparazzi.

I know what you're thinking: why even do a food review if you have these kind of presuppositions about the thing you are reviewing? Well, since I have had both Doritos and Taco Bell tacos before, I am biased regarding the component parts of the taco, but I have never before had them combined into some kind of gross fast-food Voltron, and I wanted to see what it was like.

First of all, the Taco Bell I got the taco from wasn't even a real fucking Taco Bell. It was a damn mall Taco Bell.

Taco Bell wants to have a party IN YOUR MOUTH MOTHERFUCKER.

 Yay! Balloons! Everybody likes balloons! Especially young moms who have even younger little meatbag children who will see them and start wailing like a corpulent feline for MOAR SALTY TACO GOODNESS, WAAAAHHH!

So I went and stood in line (NOT ME PICTURED, although I do have a shirt that is just as painfully orange). The line was all of 1 person long, and after that I went up to the counter and ordered 1 Doritos Locos taco in my preferred style: just the fucking meat and cheese. Lettuce? That shit's for PUSSIES and HEALTHY PEOPLE.

I also got 1 whole packet of fire sauce (the hottest they have), which is just barely hot enough to register on the scorched hellscape of my deadened taste buds.

 

Pictured: My mouth after years of hot sauce abuse.

Being such a simple creation to make and being that there was basically nobody ahead of me, I had my Doritos Locos taco in hand after all of 1 minute had elapsed. I took my to-go bag and sat down for an experience. Of what, I did not know.

The taco itself came in its own hard paper holster. This is actually kind of ingenious because it lets you consume your fatty, grease-laden taco without getting any Doritos dust on your fingers. Because as we all know, health and well being are SO IMPORTANT to the average Taco Bell customer. I'm living proof!

  

 That's so cute! They printed the paper with the same texture as the taco shell. It's like inception for tacos. TACOCEPTION.

Inside the paper is the taco itself. Note the neon orange hue from the copious amounts of flavor dust adhering to the "corn" in the taco shell. It's basically the same eye-melting color as the shirt of the dude in the 1st picture of the article. This should end well.

The first bite. The interior tastes just like any other Taco Bell taco on the planet: greasy, kind of meaty, the tang of processed cheese. The taste of the Doritos shell is actually pretty underwhelming. I was really expecting more out of this taco, although in retrospect I don't know why I bothered. Expecting anything from Taco Bell other than mediocrity is always a recipe for failure. 

I kind of detected the flavor of your run-of-the-mill nacho cheese Doritos, but it was pretty minor. I am guessing all they do is dust the standard taco shells with Doritos flavor dust (isn't that appetizing?) instead of purpose-baking an actual Doritos chip shaped like a taco shell. This robs the shell of all those little textures and ridges that make regular Doritos so good after you've gotten really blasted and have the munchies real bad.

FINAL VERDICT:

The Doritos Locos taco is a product that had great marketing and great internet buzz, but ultimately left me disappointed. I wanted to at least feel like my mouth had been assaulted by Doritos while I consumed my processed garbage food, but I couldn't even really get much of that action going. The Doritos Locos taco is at least 30 cents more than a standard taco, and for my money it just isn't worth it. Even if you have a craving for Taco Bell, don't get the Doritos Locos taco. It just isn't crazy enough to be worth your money.

2 out of 5 - Underwhelming like missing a car wreck after a traffic jam