7 Eleven was a phrase invented by a person who couldn't count past 12 as a substitute for the number 13. It's true.
The first 7 Eleven was built during the 1847 California uranium rush (1 year before the gold rush), in a bustling little desert town called Hell's Cow Patty, population 1,042. The town had grown significantly almost overnight as many an optimistic or downright desperate soul had come seeking his fortune, aiming to find the next big deposit of "glowin' gold" as it was popularly called at the time. Uranium was a popular food supplement, and was sold in every form you could think of, including tonics, powders, suppositories, repositories, pills, and also in a super-potent form known as "crack uranium" which was 10 times as strong as regular uranium, but half the price. Uranium's popularity made it very valuable, and mining towns sprang up like weeds anywhere it was discovered.
Undated photograph of a man panning for uranium.
In later photographs he removed his hat, exposing the mutated 2nd head that had grown atop his skull.
The proprietor of the first 7 Eleven was an Indian immigrant by the name of Raja Pawarnajahaputeevijam, or "R Peezy" for short. Raja saw a niche market looking to be filled in between the seedy bar hangouts and less-than-sanitary butcher shops that peppered the town like lice on a hobo. In letters now kept at the California Historic Archives, Raja told his wife back in India that "this place is as detestable as a festering boil on the back of a hermit yogi, but I believe that it can be made livable with hard work and- Hey! You damn kids, get out of my store! -perseverance."
Raja promoting his store. His grasp of English was... tenuous, at best.
The establishment was a spartan place. The Slurpee machine had to be operated manually by small 12 year old children stuffed inside a pedal-powered machine constructed out of some wooden Rube Goldberg-esque gears, belts, and grinders that crushed ice - cut by hand and carted by donkey from the glaciers of the northern mountains - and mixed it with sarsaparilla, bourbon, beef tripe, powdered pigs' knuckles, opium poppy sap, and lye. The lye was removed after the first few customers complained of ailments ranging from dementia, whooping cough, silly spins, skedaddlin' hootenanny runs, and shitting their organs out one by one until they shit out their own intestines and collapsed in on the void created within the space formerly occupied by their guts. The lye-free recipe remains in use to this day.
All modern 7 Eleven stores have a special area known affectionately as the "Slurpee pit."
The store became popular very quickly, and as a result the town remained even after the miners had moved onto mining gold instead of a substance that kept causing them to either die or mutate into a shambling, hideous shell of a person. The town boomed, and eventually turned into what is now known as Los Angeles.
Hell's Cow Patty, circa 2011.
Modern 7 Elevens are very different from their progenitor. The Slurpee machine doesn't have to be pedaled nearly as fast now, but stupid modern child labor laws dictate that only people over age 18 can be stuffed inside, necessitating the hiring of midgets. No longer is the nacho cheese made painstakingly by the hands of indentured Amish workers; now it is extruded by machines through the udders of genetically modified cows. Ah, progress! There are thousands of 7 Eleven stores dotting this great land, and other great lands throughout the world. You can now sate your desire for hot dogs and beer at 3:27 AM in countries like Japan, Canada, Mexico, and China. Recently minted country South Sudan (only a few days old as of this writing, and still has that "new country" smell!) is said to be in talks to open up a location in the capital city, after landmine removal is completed. OK, so I made that last part up, but seriously, the things are everywhere.
You can ride to 7 Eleven in a tiny Thai taxi!
Yes, 7 Eleven is truly a modern marvel, an idea for the ages. Long after the countries of the world as we know it cease to exist, and mankind has emigrated to other planets out of boredom, there will still be 7 Elevens. I predict the first 7 Eleven will be open on the Earth's moon by 2100 and on Mars by 2150, with locations on Phobos and Deimos by 2155!* Buy franchises now before terraforming is completed!
Safety of patrons at Martian 7 Eleven locations is not guaranteed. Heavy weaponry recommended.
*Phobos location will cease to exist in several million years when Martian gravity pulls the moon down to the planet's surface and obliterates it. Act now!
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