Sticks & Stones: Full Metal Panic!

Ah, anime. The new litmus test of geekiness in 21st century America. One can tell so much from those that revel in the style of those across the sea. As such, then lets do it right. Let's make sure we can divide between good and bad anime using a grade school rating system. This segment will be an intermittent deluge of words on anime and manga. And that's exactly what we all need. More reading, less watching. There aren't enough written words strewn about the internet on it. Clearly, we need to plug more grime into the internet pipes. Grime from my viewpoint. I'll try to keep my posts as spoiler free as possible or so vague that you'll only get it if you watch it. To start off with we'll check this one series:

Full Metal Panic! 

ooo..dramatic positions everyone!

First off: no, I didn't add that exclamation point because my writing style is akin to that of a teenager (although I fear that may be true). It's truly there. Full Metal Panic! is a series that came out in the early naughts and deals with a mercenary group that has to protect a high school girl because she has...well...some sort of power/knowledge? As with a lot of anime, an explanation is pretty much just waved off, never to even be broached (except probably into the manga, but that's often as much a dead end as the show). This group consists of a teenage soldier who clearly hasn't read any 'slice of life' stories, and doesn't really know how to deal with people. The series does a fine job in straddling the line between comedy, drama and action. The weakest part being the drama though. The dramatic arc is typical of other anime and adds nothing to the Japanese style that we all haven't seen before. The action is pretty good, and is rather reminiscent in many ways to Gundam. Yes, this IS a mecha anime. But like all good mecha anime, the creators don't put mechas first and add the rest later. It's a fleshed out story. It truly feels like they wanted good characters and good mecha to go hand in hand. And good characters we have. 

Kaname Chidori (the girl who the enemy wants) has a 3-dimensional personality. She occasionally needs rescuing, but often does the rescuing herself in a way a non-combatant can. She's both strong and smart, but not mean. She's the kind of character you could actually see people liking and following. Souske Sagara, is a slightly less believable character. For someone who has been a soldier since 8 or 9 years old, he doesn't seem all that scarred. But he's also completely oblivious to what normal social behavior is like. In the end, he's more of an interesting foil, and often the story revolves mostly around him, but it is truly best when it involves both Sargara and Chidori. The stakes are often high, and the enemies do somewhat win at some point (don't worry, I didn't spoil anything). Which surprised me some. This is definitely not an adult (read: for ages 21+ in terms of theme) story, but it did get a bit more hardcore than I expected to. Essentially, I think this is the kind of series that would be a great addition to someone who has an interest in anime. It's fun, It has action and I really did laugh out loud at times. And the conceit is a good one, hence why there are two other series after this one. But by no means is it a classic. This is essentially a B or B- anime. It'll fill in the cracks until something great comes along.

hell..angry..rat/gerbil/mickey mouse wannabe

 

I assume that due to the success of the series it has spawned off two other shows. One called Fumoffu and the other The Second Raid. Fumoffu focuses on the odd situations of Sagara in school. This series is created purely for humor purposes and has a different tone, much more lighthearted  than the first series. It has a lot of smacking of characters, things blowing up for no real reason and the scantily cladness required in these kinds of episodes. This series borders on ridiculous and then decides to go diving right into it. To give you an example, Sagara ends up selling an amusement park rodent mascot decked out with military gear to the Miami Police Dept. If you liked the first series, don't expect to like this one. It's quite different. Unfortunately, I feel that the humor doesn't hit as well as in the first series. I give it a C-. Watch it if you like the characters of Full Metal Panic! and if you like ridiculous stuff. Which I kinda do sometimes. But it doesn't need watching if you want to continue on with the story, as there is no connection of any kind.

No one is having a good time in this picture

 

The Second Raid is by far the best of the bunch. Adding to that, it's also the kind of series I wouldn't think parents would want their kids to see. Not that it's particularly graphic in terms of sexuality or violence, but it hints at it pretty greatly. It is definitely a bloodier show and is a bit more risqué in its fan service. Also, the production values are higher, the visuals were much improved and the last episode was very well animated and had me on the edge of my seat (when I say that, I always mean it quite literally). Sagara is a much improved character, without having to make him a big talker, they somehow made him more interesting. Probably because he's just better written. Unlike in the first series the cracks of being a child soldier start to show. Chidori is even better than before, although I feel she gets a bit short-changed in the end, but at least she develops nicely. The villain is also treated in a more interesting fashion than in the first one. You gotta think joker, but funnier. I enjoyed it when he was on-screen, but he kinda feels just like a guy who's there to be amusing. Although, he does that handedly, I have no idea where he comes from or what his goals are... or anything really. I don't feel like there are any weak episodes in this series, unlike in the first one, and the last episode is made specifically made for fans and feels to me what Fomoffu should have really been like. This is clearly an A effort, and a show I would easily recommend to anyone. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can recommend it independent of the first series. I don't think you'll as much for the characters as long as you've had some experience with them. It would definitely not feel as good. As such, even though it's not quite as good, I would have to say: watch the first and then come to this one. In any case, if you didn't like the characters in the first series, you're not gonna like them here.

As a complete aside and a way to date this post, apparently Full Metal Panic is in Hollywood development hell with Zac Effron being cast as Souske. *shrugs* Make of that with what you will.

Thanks for reading and nice comments are welcomed and negative ones are grudgingly welcomed too, as long as they wipe their feet on the mat before coming in. There will be more of these and hopefully the writing will be better as I work the knots out of unused essay styles.

Crytek Forums Comedy Gold

I was on the Crytek forums at mycrysis.com recently, looking for info about the upcoming 1.9 patch that will finally enable high-resolution textures and give the game full DX11 support. Somebody made a post wondering why the patch would be released on Monday instead of today. One of the responses was pure hilarity.

Apparently, it was written by somebody from Russia (according to the guy's profile location) named UNIT_TEST_01, which I can only assume is some kind of slightly backwards Russian reference to Evangelion, given that the dude had an anime avatar. Mr. Unit Test had this to say:

"Don't be such a 'jingly-wingly'. Be the man. Work for hard. And there will be no meaning for you when patch will be released. And they will release it in time that suitable for it =)"

There are so many amusing lines of Russian Engrish wrapped up in that statement I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with the first line: "Don't be such a 'jingly-wingly'." What in the holy hell is that? Is it a Russian euphamism for a penis? Could it be some kind of veiled reference to Santa Claus, what with his jingle bells and flying, possibly winged reindeer? Maybe there is a grocery chain in Russia with poor customer service called "Jingly-Wingly," similarly named to the American grocery chain "Piggly-Wiggly." We may never know.

For bringing the you to finest potato vodka all in Moscow metropolitan area!

Next, ol' Testy tells the commenter to "Be the man." Not just any man. He's telling the commenter to be THE man. Does Mr. Unit Test want the commenter to be a part of the murky, ill-defined yet seemingly ever-present cabal of powerful white males known as "The Man"? Maybe the commenter had some kind of confusing sexual operation that left him in a position to need to decide his gender, and Mr. Unit Test suggested he go with the male option. Mr. Unit clearly didn't say for the commenter to "be that guy" so he doesn't want the dude to be a douche. So many mysteries!

Fun fact: this movie was subtitled "who hated working in this movie because it sucked donkey balls."

Which would make that ALL the men who worked on this movie.

The honorable Underscore Zero One then admonishes the commenter to "Work for hard." Oh man. The commenter better not just work hard. He needs to work FOR hard. He needs to go right up into hard's office and demand a fucking job. Screw going to easy and average's offices, those pussies. The commenter should just waltz in and tell hard that he's in the market for work. Either that, or UT01 forgot to make "hard" in all caps. Maybe HARD is a shadowy underground organization like something out of a James Bond movie. Perhaps it stands for "Holistic Anal Reaming Department", "Hiring All Red Donkeys", "Here Are Retarded Dummies", "Hawk And Raptor Decorations",or any other kind of strange moniker.

Spacing contractions! Word reversals! A black dude in a library! Volume 2!

After these admonitions, dear old Mr. Test takes a Nietzschean turn towards the nihilistic with his next line: "And there will be no meaning for you when patch will be released." Wow. Heavy stuff! Patch 1.9 will usher in a period of meaningless existence for the commenter. There will be no point to his being. His entire life up to that moment, everything he has ever done or thought about doing, will be rendered moot by this software update. An existential nightmare if ever there was one. There is little solace offered in Mr. Unit_Test_01's final ominous sentence: "And they will release it in time that suitable for it =)". A wry, sardonic, yet hollow smile punctuates the acknowledgement of impending meaninglessness. It will be released, in its own good time. When the forces of nihilism seek to descend upon the commenter and render his self-actualized persona into a null state, it will not matter what face the commenter wears. He could dread the moment or wear a botox-induced Cheshire grin. All will be meaningless. Way to end on a downer!

All is void. The human experience is but a tattered husk, detached from meaning. 

But my mustache is fucking EPIC.

At any rate, I can't wait to go through this guys previous posts and find out what other madness he has unleashed on the denizens of the Crytek forums. Oh Russia, don't ever change, you beautiful, crazy, frozen hellscape of a country! Keep producing unintentional comedy courtesy of your unhinged, Engrish-speaking natives, and I'll keep loving you. Yes, in that way. You know what I mean *nudge nudge, wink wink*.

It's Summertime! Surf's Ten! Hang Up!

It is a well known fact that pangolins love the summertime. Once a year, when the sun is at its peak in the daytime sky, a primitive urge stirs deep within their tiny pangolin brains. Driven by this urge, spurred on by the inexorable force of instinct, they are compelled to make a great journey. They trundle through the rainforests and deserts of the Earth, risking life and limb for a singular purpose.

The noble pangolin on its long trek.

The burning desire that compels them to undertake such a quest? The urge to party hard. Oh yes, the pangolin is one of nature's most epic partiers, outclassing even members of that other hard-partying species homo sapiens, such as Andrew W. K. or Paris Hilton.

Mr. W. K. shows us his "party hard" technique. This should end well.

Typically, the pangolins will head for the sea, as is their wont. What do they wont, you may ask? I'll tell you, silly person using a medieval word spelling! They desire the blue skies, hot sand, and crystal waters of the beach. Pangolins are known for fashioning primitive surfboards out of hollow tree trunks. Their large claws are adept at tearing these fallen giants of the rainforest or savannah into gnarly boards suitable for blastin' the blue tubes, brah.

Pangolins eat waves like this for breakfast, brunch, lunch, foursies, dinner, and midnight snacks. It's true.

In addition to being expert surfers, pangolins are some of the animal kingdom's most prolific binge drinkers. A fine example was a pangolin raised in captivity by British colonialists residing in India in 1832. Affectionately known by its keepers alternately as "that little scaly drunken bastard" or "Tumblebottoms McGee", he reportedly downed no fewer than 19 steins of ale in one sitting. He then proceeded to go on an inebriated rampage through the local Indian town of Datsanyseass, projectile vomiting on meditating yogis, attempting to steal at least 3 horse-drawn coaches (unsuccessfully), and hitting on local female pangolins that were way out of his league. After several hours he collapsed in a heap in front of what he thought was his keepers' house, but was actually a local meat market. Tumblebottoms was never seen again.

These guys are amateurs compared to the average pangolin.

So, in honor of the great heathen celebration of the summer solstice, which was 2 days ago, let us remember the noble pangolin. Each summer they plod by the thousands to beach hangouts across the globe, drinking and partying the night away, surfing to their little pangolin hearts' content, and tanning their scales. Some people find it hard to take vacations from their everyday life. Pangolins ARE vacations. Think about that. I just blew your mind. Or caused you to bemoan my tenuous grasp on the English language and reality. Yeah. You'll probably go with that last one.

A Winner Is You!

Congratulations, lucky How's Your Pangolin visitor: you won! Don't ask silly questions about what you've won, or how we got your personal contact info. Because you won! All you have to do is click below to claim what is undoubtedly a fantastic prize (and most certainly not a rusting '57 Chevy with a trunk full of bees and a mummified hooker in the passenger's seat).

So click "Next"! Go ahead, don't be bashful, you lucky bastard. I must ask though that whatever you do, please don't click the little question mark in the top-right corner and oh shit you've already clicked it, haven't you. God damn it. Do you know what you've done?! Because I dont! Nobody has ever clicked that button before.

Quite frankly we don't even know how it got there. I heard rumors that one of our trained IT monkeys clicked it and just... disappeared. All that was found later was a pile of hastily-excreted fecal matter and a banana next to a computer terminal monitor. They think he shat himself in fear and dropped his lunch, but it's all a bunch of hearsay, and the IT crew doesn't get out much so they like to embellish things a bit. Anybody could have taken a mid-work poop and forgotten the "no snacks" rule in the server room.

The last company photo taken of Jimbo, our mainframe technician.

Still, that was just a rumor. You were just dumb enough to click that button, weren't you. Now you're turning purple and... what? Purple? Now you're orange... Oh sweet Mohammed's nutsack, the walls are spinning and turning all the colors of the rainbow in rapid succession. I'm gonna... gonna be sick... and *huuurrrgghhhhh!* ...guh... ugh... oh man, this isn't right.

Hey you, get away from me you dinosaur head! Yes, you, you button-clicker! Why do you have the head of a pterodactyl? Why are my hands made of cheese all of a sudden?! Why ha- *gmmphh!* *blechhhh!* *hack!* All the air in the room just turned into hair for half a second and back again. Oh my... great-grandma Gertrude? Is that you? But you've been dead for decades! Why are you dry-humping a combine harvester?

My head... feels like a shallow puddle of chicken soup and the oft-sung anthem of reticulated indigent mastodons in a Dirac sea. Bubble teapot winked husky flippant birds with a discombobulated hangover steamer trunk surfboard jalopy. This is... this is the end, isn't it? The end and beginning of all things... You bastard. You've sent us into the heart of universe itself! The 5th dimension! I can see... everything! I can't see anything! Aaaaaaahhhh!!!- *spoink*   .      .      .      .

***

Writer's Block

Hello, loyal readers. Yes, I realize this is the first time in over a month that I have written anything. This is because I have contracted a serious disease. It affects neck-bearded people all over the world, and now I am one of the many who can be added the sad statistic comprised by those afflicted with the dreaded "writer's block".

Figure 1A: The Writer's Block

Jump up and smash your head against it to gain neat power-ups, such as 

"bored hipster thick-rimmed glasses" and "1/5 liter bottle of Wild Turkey".

I plan on posting a bunch of stuff in the near future, but for now I'm hoarding my ideas like a barren-wombed, elderly spinster hoards cats. I don't want to write anything until I'm damn well ready (and liquored up). Anyway, keep an eye on the blog in the next few days. 

Also, I've contracted with Chou Napkin Illustrations and Tiny Model Houses, Inc. to produce a logo for the site. Since I'm paying him the fabulous sum of $0.00 dollars (Australian) I am expecting some top-quality work. Anything less and, well, let's just say I know where he lives and I also know some fruit delivery companies that deal in durians.

Killer Coaster

scale physical model

Julijonas Urbonas, a designer from Lithuania has created a huge ass roller coaster.  Were it to actually be built, I think I'd have to be joyfully suicidal to ride it.  I think it'd take years of G training before I could actually withstand the 10+ G's produced along the loops.  It is 1,673 feet high (roughly the height of the sears tower) and has nearly 4 miles of track.  Meant to induce unconsciousness (followed by death) with it's euphoric, blood-draining, centrifugal effect on the body, I think the poop I left on the way down would be the least of my worries.

Recalling the sky-high, violent, car-hurling, death machines that we all used to build in the Roller Coaster Tycoon series, it does not actually hurl the cars into the air during the last leg of the ride; rather, it is a closed loop like all other normal coasters.  If you were hoping for the effect of the masses splattering into unrecognizable shapes of dripping goop this time around, too bad.  To make it up to you, Urbonas plans to have Hellraiser's half brother running the ride.

"All your base are belong to us!"

The website of the designer:     http://www.julijonasurbonas.lt/p/euthanasia-coaster/