It is a well known fact that pangolins love the summertime. Once a year, when the sun is at its peak in the daytime sky, a primitive urge stirs deep within their tiny pangolin brains. Driven by this urge, spurred on by the inexorable force of instinct, they are compelled to make a great journey. They trundle through the rainforests and deserts of the Earth, risking life and limb for a singular purpose.
The noble pangolin on its long trek.
The burning desire that compels them to undertake such a quest? The urge to party hard. Oh yes, the pangolin is one of nature's most epic partiers, outclassing even members of that other hard-partying species homo sapiens, such as Andrew W. K. or Paris Hilton.
Typically, the pangolins will head for the sea, as is their wont. What do they wont, you may ask? I'll tell you, silly person using a medieval word spelling! They desire the blue skies, hot sand, and crystal waters of the beach. Pangolins are known for fashioning primitive surfboards out of hollow tree trunks. Their large claws are adept at tearing these fallen giants of the rainforest or savannah into gnarly boards suitable for blastin' the blue tubes, brah.
In addition to being expert surfers, pangolins are some of the animal kingdom's most prolific binge drinkers. A fine example was a pangolin raised in captivity by British colonialists residing in India in 1832. Affectionately known by its keepers alternately as "that little scaly drunken bastard" or "Tumblebottoms McGee", he reportedly downed no fewer than 19 steins of ale in one sitting. He then proceeded to go on an inebriated rampage through the local Indian town of Datsanyseass, projectile vomiting on meditating yogis, attempting to steal at least 3 horse-drawn coaches (unsuccessfully), and hitting on local female pangolins that were way out of his league. After several hours he collapsed in a heap in front of what he thought was his keepers' house, but was actually a local meat market. Tumblebottoms was never seen again.
So, in honor of the great heathen celebration of the summer solstice, which was 2 days ago, let us remember the noble pangolin. Each summer they plod by the thousands to beach hangouts across the globe, drinking and partying the night away, surfing to their little pangolin hearts' content, and tanning their scales. Some people find it hard to take vacations from their everyday life. Pangolins ARE vacations. Think about that. I just blew your mind. Or caused you to bemoan my tenuous grasp on the English language and reality. Yeah. You'll probably go with that last one.
Mr. W. K. shows us his "party hard" technique. This should end well.
Typically, the pangolins will head for the sea, as is their wont. What do they wont, you may ask? I'll tell you, silly person using a medieval word spelling! They desire the blue skies, hot sand, and crystal waters of the beach. Pangolins are known for fashioning primitive surfboards out of hollow tree trunks. Their large claws are adept at tearing these fallen giants of the rainforest or savannah into gnarly boards suitable for blastin' the blue tubes, brah.
Pangolins eat waves like this for breakfast, brunch, lunch, foursies, dinner, and midnight snacks. It's true.
These guys are amateurs compared to the average pangolin.
So, in honor of the great heathen celebration of the summer solstice, which was 2 days ago, let us remember the noble pangolin. Each summer they plod by the thousands to beach hangouts across the globe, drinking and partying the night away, surfing to their little pangolin hearts' content, and tanning their scales. Some people find it hard to take vacations from their everyday life. Pangolins ARE vacations. Think about that. I just blew your mind. Or caused you to bemoan my tenuous grasp on the English language and reality. Yeah. You'll probably go with that last one.
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