I was on the Crytek forums at mycrysis.com recently, looking for info about the upcoming 1.9 patch that will finally enable high-resolution textures and give the game full DX11 support. Somebody made a post wondering why the patch would be released on Monday instead of today. One of the responses was pure hilarity.
Apparently, it was written by somebody from Russia (according to the guy's profile location) named UNIT_TEST_01, which I can only assume is some kind of slightly backwards Russian reference to Evangelion, given that the dude had an anime avatar. Mr. Unit Test had this to say:
"Don't be such a 'jingly-wingly'. Be the man. Work for hard. And there will be no meaning for you when patch will be released. And they will release it in time that suitable for it =)"
There are so many amusing lines of Russian Engrish wrapped up in that statement I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with the first line: "Don't be such a 'jingly-wingly'." What in the holy hell is that? Is it a Russian euphamism for a penis? Could it be some kind of veiled reference to Santa Claus, what with his jingle bells and flying, possibly winged reindeer? Maybe there is a grocery chain in Russia with poor customer service called "Jingly-Wingly," similarly named to the American grocery chain "Piggly-Wiggly." We may never know.
Next, ol' Testy tells the commenter to "Be the man." Not just any man. He's telling the commenter to be THE man. Does Mr. Unit Test want the commenter to be a part of the murky, ill-defined yet seemingly ever-present cabal of powerful white males known as "The Man"? Maybe the commenter had some kind of confusing sexual operation that left him in a position to need to decide his gender, and Mr. Unit Test suggested he go with the male option. Mr. Unit clearly didn't say for the commenter to "be that guy" so he doesn't want the dude to be a douche. So many mysteries!
The honorable Underscore Zero One then admonishes the commenter to "Work for hard." Oh man. The commenter better not just work hard. He needs to work FOR hard. He needs to go right up into hard's office and demand a fucking job. Screw going to easy and average's offices, those pussies. The commenter should just waltz in and tell hard that he's in the market for work. Either that, or UT01 forgot to make "hard" in all caps. Maybe HARD is a shadowy underground organization like something out of a James Bond movie. Perhaps it stands for "Holistic Anal Reaming Department", "Hiring All Red Donkeys", "Here Are Retarded Dummies", "Hawk And Raptor Decorations",or any other kind of strange moniker.
After these admonitions, dear old Mr. Test takes a Nietzschean turn towards the nihilistic with his next line: "And there will be no meaning for you when patch will be released." Wow. Heavy stuff! Patch 1.9 will usher in a period of meaningless existence for the commenter. There will be no point to his being. His entire life up to that moment, everything he has ever done or thought about doing, will be rendered moot by this software update. An existential nightmare if ever there was one. There is little solace offered in Mr. Unit_Test_01's final ominous sentence: "And they will release it in time that suitable for it =)". A wry, sardonic, yet hollow smile punctuates the acknowledgement of impending meaninglessness. It will be released, in its own good time. When the forces of nihilism seek to descend upon the commenter and render his self-actualized persona into a null state, it will not matter what face the commenter wears. He could dread the moment or wear a botox-induced Cheshire grin. All will be meaningless. Way to end on a downer!
At any rate, I can't wait to go through this guys previous posts and find out what other madness he has unleashed on the denizens of the Crytek forums. Oh Russia, don't ever change, you beautiful, crazy, frozen hellscape of a country! Keep producing unintentional comedy courtesy of your unhinged, Engrish-speaking natives, and I'll keep loving you. Yes, in that way. You know what I mean *nudge nudge, wink wink*.
Apparently, it was written by somebody from Russia (according to the guy's profile location) named UNIT_TEST_01, which I can only assume is some kind of slightly backwards Russian reference to Evangelion, given that the dude had an anime avatar. Mr. Unit Test had this to say:
"Don't be such a 'jingly-wingly'. Be the man. Work for hard. And there will be no meaning for you when patch will be released. And they will release it in time that suitable for it =)"
There are so many amusing lines of Russian Engrish wrapped up in that statement I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with the first line: "Don't be such a 'jingly-wingly'." What in the holy hell is that? Is it a Russian euphamism for a penis? Could it be some kind of veiled reference to Santa Claus, what with his jingle bells and flying, possibly winged reindeer? Maybe there is a grocery chain in Russia with poor customer service called "Jingly-Wingly," similarly named to the American grocery chain "Piggly-Wiggly." We may never know.
For bringing the you to finest potato vodka all in Moscow metropolitan area!
Next, ol' Testy tells the commenter to "Be the man." Not just any man. He's telling the commenter to be THE man. Does Mr. Unit Test want the commenter to be a part of the murky, ill-defined yet seemingly ever-present cabal of powerful white males known as "The Man"? Maybe the commenter had some kind of confusing sexual operation that left him in a position to need to decide his gender, and Mr. Unit Test suggested he go with the male option. Mr. Unit clearly didn't say for the commenter to "be that guy" so he doesn't want the dude to be a douche. So many mysteries!
Fun fact: this movie was subtitled "who hated working in this movie because it sucked donkey balls."
Which would make that ALL the men who worked on this movie.
Spacing contractions! Word reversals! A black dude in a library! Volume 2!
After these admonitions, dear old Mr. Test takes a Nietzschean turn towards the nihilistic with his next line: "And there will be no meaning for you when patch will be released." Wow. Heavy stuff! Patch 1.9 will usher in a period of meaningless existence for the commenter. There will be no point to his being. His entire life up to that moment, everything he has ever done or thought about doing, will be rendered moot by this software update. An existential nightmare if ever there was one. There is little solace offered in Mr. Unit_Test_01's final ominous sentence: "And they will release it in time that suitable for it =)". A wry, sardonic, yet hollow smile punctuates the acknowledgement of impending meaninglessness. It will be released, in its own good time. When the forces of nihilism seek to descend upon the commenter and render his self-actualized persona into a null state, it will not matter what face the commenter wears. He could dread the moment or wear a botox-induced Cheshire grin. All will be meaningless. Way to end on a downer!
All is void. The human experience is but a tattered husk, detached from meaning.
But my mustache is fucking EPIC.
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